The funeral home parking lot is empty, save for one black car, when Bianca pulls in with her red pick-up truck. She gets out of the truck and walks to the front entrance—dressed in black. Bianca is fifty-five but could be confused for sixty-five.
As she’s about to enter, another car pulls into the lot. Bianca watches it park. It struggles, pulls in and out of one spot and readjusts itself, even though the lot is empty. Cal, also fifty-five-going-on-sixty-five, gets out. He’s dressed in all black and wears a hat. He sees Bianca and stops.
From across the parking lot, Bianca says, “No shit!”
Cal opens his arms. “Heyo.”
“What the fuck, Cal. How you doing?”
Cal shrugs. “Hey, you know.” He walks up to Bianca. They stand outside the entrance.
“You’re here for the wake?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?” Bianca says.
“I know I don’t normally come to these things.” Cal puts his hands in his pockets.
“I know you don’t.”
Cal looks at the ground. “I just… I never really hear about these things. When people die.”
“Peter doesn’t give you a call?” Asks Bianca.
“Peter died four years ago.”
“Ah, shit. Right. I’m sorry.”
“It’s nothing,” says Cal.
“So Peter dies, and now you’re just out of the loop?”
“I hear about these things eventually, you know. But a few weeks after. So I always miss the funeral and stuff.”
“No one called you when Glenn died?” asks Bianca. Cal shakes his head,
“But this time, I got this note in the mail.” He pulls out a funeral card.
“Well, fuck. I’m glad you heard about it.”
“Yeah. Me, too.”
“Yeah. Fuck. You know I’m glad you’re here, but—” Bianca nods at the funeral home. “—He was kind of an asshole.”
Cal laughs. “Yeah. He kind of was, wasn’t he?”
“Why the fuck are you here so early?”
“Early?” Cal scratches his head.
“Cal, we’re thirty minutes early.”
“Thirty minutes early?”
“I always show up thirty minutes early. Get in, get out—before anyone sees you.”
“Isn’t the, like, family always there early?”
“If they’re there before me, I bail.”
“And they let you in early? Even if you’re not family?”
“I just have to bribe the funeral director,” says Bianca. She winks. “Make it worth his while, you know?”
“Worth his while?”
“I’m joking, Cal. Of course they let me in early. As long as the body’s dressed up.”
“Oh,” says Cal.
“I’m a lady in grief, Cal. You think they’d make a lady in grief wait out in the cold to see her dear friend’s dead body?”
“I mean, I don’t know.”
“Pfft,” says Bianca, throwing her hands in the air.
“So we’re thirty minutes early?”
“Yeah. Starts at four.”
“Four?” Cal squints at the card in his hand.
“Yeah.”
Cal, pointing to a number on the card, says, “Thought that was a nine.”
“Nine?” says Bianca. She laughs. “AM or PM?”
“AM, I figured. I thought they’d be wrapping up by now.”
Bianca laughs. “What type of wake starts at nine AM and ends at four? No one would go. Everyone’d be at work all day. People with normal jobs, at least.”
Cal opens his mouth to speak, but holds off. He nods and smiles. “I was joking,” he says. “I do have a normal job, by the way.”
“Alright, let’s get this over with.” Bianca grabs the door and saunters in. Cal removes his hat and follows. They enter the viewing room. No one is there. They walk down an aisle between rows of chairs toward the open casket.
“So when was the last time you saw him?” says Bianca.
“Oh, Christ. I don’t—”
Bianca shushes Cal and points to a painting of Jesus on the wall. “Fuck’s sake, Cal. Don’t say that in here.”
“Oh, my bad. Sorry. I, uh, haven’t seen him in like five, ten years.”
Bianca stops in her tracks, halfway down the aisle. Cal stops, too. “Five or ten?”
“Give or take,” says Cal, shrugging his shoulders.
“Shit, I saw him Wednesday.”
“Wednesday?”
“Yeah. I was at O’Leary’s. You know—”
“—the bar on Taggert?”
“That’s the one,” says Bianca, nodding. “I was hanging there for a bit. Had a few drinks with Dennis and Doris. Then on my way out, I took a cab. Everyone’s getting pulled over for drinking right now, you notice that?” Bianca waits for Cal to nod, too. “Cops hate drunk driving all of a sudden. Wait, are you a cop?”
“No, not a cop.”
“I knew that. Had to ask, though. Half our buddies growing up are cops now, you know?”
“Yeah. No, I’ve got a normal—”
“Anyway, so I got in the cab, and as we’re pulling out, I recognize my driver—guess who was driving the fucking cab?”
“Him?” Cal says, motioning to the casket.
“Nah, it was Terrence Felder. Terrence Felder. From Lincoln Lower—”
“Oh, he was a hell of a pitcher,” says Cal.
“What an arm on that guy,” says Bianca. “Anyway, I was in the cab, and I was a bit distracted by the fact that my driver was Terrence Felder—his arms are still chiseled clean, by the way. He had this tight T shirt on.”
“You kiddin’.”
“It’s the fucking truth,” Bianca says. “But anyway, as I was saying, I was a bit distracted by the fact that my cabbie was Terrence Felder.” She starts walking toward the casket again. Cal follows.
“And it was actually pouring rain that night, too. But as we were pulling away from the curb, I saw him—” Bianca nods at the casket. “—walking on the other side of the street.”
Cal nods at the casket. “Him?”
“Yeah, him. It was raining like hell, and my cabbie was Terrence Felder, and I had a couple drinks in me, but I’m pretty fucking sure that I’d swear on Mary and her son that that fellow on the other side of the street was—” Bianca nods at the casket again “—him.”
“Gah!” Cal screeches and stumbles backwards. An old frail body—dressed in suit and pants—is lying across a few chairs, face up. “Why the hell is he out here?”
Bianca stops and looks at the body. “Huh,” she says.
“Fuck,” says Cal, panting.
“Well, I’ll be. He aged like shit.” Bianca puts on a pair of glasses and leans in.
“He scared the boogers out of me,” says Cal, still catching his breath.
Bianca leans in some more. “Are we that old?” She stares at the body. Cal looks like he might throw up. “Aw, shit…” Bianca says. She kicks the chair under the body’s head. She kicks again, and the body stirs. “Get up, Daisy.” Bianca kicks the chair again and again. Daisy yawns, stretches, and yawns. “Come on, get yer ass up.”
“Who the…” Daisy, seventy-eight and looking seventy-eight, rolls over and rubs her eyes.
. Still kicking, Bianca says, “Get the fuck up, Daisy.”
Daisy sits up. “What the—” She looks at her arouser. “Bianca?”
“Fucking right, it’s Bianca. What’re you doing, sleeping on the job?”
“I wasn’t sleeping. I was napping.”
“We’re here for the wake,” says Bianca. Cal stands off to the side, hands in pockets.
Daisy rubs her eyes. “Wake? I’m sure as hell awake now.” She cackles so hard she starts coughing.
“You look deader than one of your little art projects,” says Bianca, nodding to the casket. “We thought you were him for a second.”
Daisy looks at Cal. “I do the face painting here,” she says. Cal nods.
“She’s damn good at it, too,” adds Bianca.
“Whose wake are you here for?” Daisy looks back at Bianca. Bianca nods at the casket.
“His.”
“Oh.” Daisy laughs. “Him? His wake’s not till tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” says Bianca. Cal takes out his card and reads it closely.
“Damn,” he says. “She’s right.”
“Course I’m right,” says Daisy. She laughs. “You’re a bit too early this time, huh Bianca?”
“The wake’s tomorrow?” Bianca looks at the casket.
“Tomorrow. Four PM. There’s one for this lady—” Daisy nods at the casket. “—tonight at six.”
“Damn,” says Bianca.
Cal takes a step forward. “So this is not a wake?”
Daisy shakes her head. “This is not a wake.”
“Where’s our guy?” asks Bianca.
Daisy slowly stands up. “He’s back in the freezer. Haven’t dressed him up yet.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what,” says Bianca. “I’m sure as hell not coming back tomorrow.”
“You’re here every week,” says Daisy, smiling. “What’s the difference?”
“I’m not coming back tomorrow for him. He’s kind of an asshole.”
Bianca looks at Cal. Cal puts his hands in the air. “Me neither,” he says. “Busy tomorrow.”
Daisy stops smiling. “Okay. You wanna see him now?”
“That would be lovely,” says Bianca.
“To the freezers.” Daisy coughs and leads them to the freezers. “How do you two know each other?” she says.
Bianca answers. “Grew up together. Old buddies.”
“So you both grew up with this dead feller, too?” asks Daisy.
“Yep,” says Bianca. “Kind of an asshole, though, this dead fucker.”
“How do you two know each other,” says Cal.
Bianca points at Daisy. “Me and her?”
“Yeah.”
“We don’t know each other,” Bianca says.
“We just see each other at these things, you know.” Daisy waves her arms in the air. “Bianca’s one of my most frequent visitors.”
“We’re at that age now, huh?” says Bianca, sighing.
“What age?” says Cal. He looks at Bianca. “Fifty-five?”
“Yeah.” Bianca shrugs. “You know. When all your friends start passing away.”
“Well, Bianca, you just got some sad friends, is the problem,” says Daisy. She leads them to a wall of freezers. “It also helps that you arrive thirty minutes early every damn time. I got no one else to talk to but you. Here we are.” She opens a freezer and pulls out the man they’ve come to see.
“Christ almighty,” says Cal.
“Calvin,” says Bianca, scolding.
“Sorry,” he says, shaking his head. “He’s a goner. No doubt.”
“He’s dead all right.” Bianca looks at Daisy. “Almost looks dead as you.”
Daisy cackles, then shuts the freezer door. “All right, get the hell out of here.”
“Thank you for your hospitality,” says Bianca.
“See you next week,” says Daisy. She bursts out laughing and leads them out. “You can’t have too many friends left now, can you?” She motions to Cal. “This oaf the last one?”
“Nah, I got fourteen more,” says Bianca. Daisy holds the door open. Cal stops in his tracks.
“Am I one of them?” he asks.
“One of my friends?” Bianca looks up at Cal. Cal nods. Bianca shrugs. “Yeah.”
Cal smiles. They walk out the door.
“See you soon, Daisy,” Bianca says as she walks out the door.
“Next time I see you, it’ll be in a casket.” Daisy cackles then slams the door in their faces. Bianca and Cal are standing outside the funeral home door. There’s a moment of silence after the door slams shut.
Smiling, Bianca says, “Aw, I really love that girl. She’s a peach, ain’t she?”
“Sort of, yeah,” says Cal.
“So, what’s your plan for the day?”
Cal sighs. “Oh, you know.” He scratches his head. “Another meeting. Busy stretch here. Busy, busy, busy.”
“Do you really have a job?”
Cal fumbles the hat he was holding. “Me? Course. Of course I got a job.”
Bianca stares at Cal a few moments, as though she’s waiting for more. Cal shrugs. “What do you do again?” she asks.
“Oh, a couple things right now…” Cal looks at the ground. “You know how it is.”
“Yeah. But what exactly do you—” Bianca shakes her head. “You know what? I don’t fucking care. My shift doesn’t start till eight. Wanna grab a drink?”
Cal’s eyes light up, then drop. “Well, you know…I would, but—”
“Don’t tell me you got a meeting.”
“No. No, uh… I gave it up.” Cal can’t meet Bianca’s eyes.
“Drinking?”
“Yeah.” They’re both silent for a while.
“When’d you do that?” asks Bianca.
“Last night.”
“I see.” Bianca looks at the ground. After another long silence, Bianca waves goodbye. “So, I guess I’ll be heading out now.
“Yeah. Me, too,” says Cal. They wave goodbye and walk to their cars. At his car, Cal takes his time getting in—something is on his mind. From across the lot, he calls out, “O’Leary’s?”
“Hmm?” Bianca says, about to get in her truck.
“Wanna go to O’Leary’s?” asks Cal.
“O’Leary’s? Down on Taggert?”
“Yeah.”
Bianca leans against her car and stares at Cal. Then she shrugs. “Sure. Don’t feel like you have to drink, though. You can get a root beer or something.”
“Ah, it’s okay.” Cal waves her off. “I’ve given it up a bunch of times. It’s pretty easy.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’ve done it before. I’ll do it again.” They stand outside their cars, across from each other in the parking lot. “You need a drink after things like this, right?”
“You know something, Cal?”
“Hmm?”
“How you handled yourself in there,” says Bianca, nodding to the funeral home. “It really felt like you’d never been to a wake before.”
“I, uh… Well, I get real busy.”
“Cal, do you get out much?”
Cal stammers. “I… I mean—”
Bianca waves her hands. “Know what? I don’t care.” She looks at the funeral home. “O’Leary’s.” She nods. “Yeah. Okay. Want a ride?”
“Well.” Cal bites his lip. “I might have to leave early. So why don’t we both drive?”
Bianca again stares at Cal a few moments, then shrugs. “Sure. See you there.”
They get in their cars. Backing out of his spot, Cal almost crashes into Bianca’s car. Cal pulls back into his spot and lets Bianca go first.