Tonight, on Wrestlemania,
The Understander
Takes on
Dad.
Born and raised in Shrapnel, Ohio,
Before WWE, The Understander served in multiple militaries before learning the futility of
violence and committing to a life of peace.
He does one thousand pushups a day, and he holds the door for people over ten steps behind him.
He consumes raw meat, protein shakes, Chaucer, Borges, and Camus.
His signature move is listening to empathize instead of to respond.
He never speaks when he has nothing to say.
He is
The Understander.
He’s gonna get you.
His opponent?
Dad.
Dad eats losers for breakfast.
He also eats figs, ‘cause they’re a good source of fiber and aid his digestive health.
He enjoys a side of Earl Grey tea with the losers he eats for breakfast.
In his last match, Dad hit his opponent over the head with some rock-solid life advice
Followed by a rapid volley of hard, but necessary, truths.
His signature moves include
The Firm Handshake.
The Saturday-Morning-Pancake Flip,
And handing the waiter an empty plate while saying “I hated it.”
Two men enter.
Two men leave,
Albeit with slightly different perspectives on male mental health in the digital age
And what feels like a little less weight on those broad WWE shoulders.
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